This is a little awkward. I didn’t expect to find me here.
I thought my “hiatus” post would be the end of it. I tried to mentally break up with Folly. I let people know I was done; I began to emotionally untie myself from this site, and I focused on other outlets for writing. But- like a true hormonal human, I became overcome with nostalgia for Folly one day-out of the blue- and irrationally posted the “Greys” post. It’s like my own sick version of contacting an ex you swore off for good. I imagine that Lady Antebellum song, “Need You Now” playing in the background as I hit “publish” for the Grey’s piece. Like it always plays out in this situation (we’ve all been there), I realized what I had done, felt silly, avoided Folly, and now have the desire to explain myself.
When Folly started, I saw an outlet and I ran with it. I had funny things to say that I found myself and my friends really enjoying. It made girls nights fun, and these are now moments we all scroll back to and laugh at. From the beginning, I was consistent and structured in the content I was producing. I was diligent and intentional about each piece. If I was going to put something out there for everyone to see, I wanted it to be great. And it was! It is! I’m a proud mother hen. Folly has grown up to be an upstanding piece of internet property. Of course it has, look at who raised it!
Folly feels like the first born child that I’ve pushed out of my mental womb. However, I’ve been struggling to visualize where I really see this going anymore. Obviously, I can’t quit it as efficiently as I’d like to. Plus, I am NOT a quitter. I wouldn’t admit it if I was, but why would I even bring it up and just lie to you like that? That would be so messed up. Anyways, back to me. I’m trying to articulate that this space isn’t just a playground for me to expend energy. I’m emotionally tied to it and I do take it seriously. If I’m going to do Folly, I’d like for it to have intent and purpose. So, it’s weird. I’m not totally sure I even want to fully quit at all. This is where the struggle is. A part of me did think that a little break from Folly would let me recalibrate. That’s what I wanted. Like maybe, miraculously, the time apart would bring Folly back into my line of vision. On the other hand, I think I also took that “hiatus” post as a little exit strategy to dip out. I think that’s what I bet on more heavily. If I can be honest with you, -and, this space is mine so I’ll do what I want- I started to find this whole thing really ridiculous. All of it. I was hoping that I could shake that feeling, but it just grew. Let me explain.
The audacity for me to post things on the internet about myself, expecting people to be excited/interested/invested/etc, was something that I acknowledged every single time I posted something. I guess that feeling wore me down. I recognize how narcissistic this space can seem- and it made my “voice” on here almost unbearable to me. It just started to feel selfish and self promoting, and I don’t want to feel that way. I mean, what’s the end goal, here? Is it to show you that I’m funny? To prove to you that I have a social life worth admiring? To make you agree with my sentiments on restaurants in Atlanta? I don’t write on here because I think my comments on restaurants are valid or even valuable. I don’t subject you guys to my Q+A responses because I feel too wise to keep those gems to myself. I know I’m funny, so I don’t write all of those jokes to convince you of my undeniable wit. I write all of these things because the writing process is incredibly enjoyable to me. Not once have I written a post with an audience of readers in mind. I mean, I think of the people reading it, but I’m writing to you, not for you. I don’t think about how cool this topical joke is going to make me sound, or how many times the post will be read, or if people will like it. I write it, post it, wait for my dad to text me about a grammatical error or an inappropriate joke that I should remove, do an eye roll, and then that’s it. It kind of always ends there. The positive feed back I get is amazing, but it’s never fueled Folly. I’m going to write these things regardless of Folly’s existence, I’ve been writing plenty since I “quit” Folly- but the posting is what has stopped. I just need to get that out there. I think I just needed it to be said. I read blogs every morning as I’m getting ready for work, and so many of them began to feel contrived and like “one big humble-brag dump of internet space” (so eloquent) as I would read through them. It’s gross. There is a difference between using this medium to bring people into your life and head-space versus using this medium for a less sincere agenda. I got grossed out and I needed to leave. I just needed to step away, disassociate, and clarify my intention. So, I feel like I’ve come to some sort of resolution.
I doubt I’ll re-purchase this domain when it expires, but I’d still like to write on here, when the moment is right, while I still have the chance.
The hard part is, I still have so much to say. Let’s hope I can fit it all in.